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Thursday, February 17, 2011

Spirit / Faith / Soul

We all have those days!  We have all had those gut wrenching experiences that make it impossible to breath! We all have our scars, physical, emotional, and spiritual.

Today I have lost all faith in my extended world.  I am having to remember, having to remind myself with each key I touch, to control my anger, my tears, and my aches.    I cry as I type... and my head is pounding! 

I was raised in a way considered old to some, I have more in common with those in my travels than those of the place my roots will always reside. 

WHY? because small towns are like a forest.  Small towns are more controlled than you think, merely because they are a balanced ecosystem;  all aware of others positives and negatives, balancing each other out ( as Jerry and I do in our house) helping each other with needs.  If your neighbor needs help, others are there as soon as they can.   No one is left alone, to fend for themselves.  

The beauty of a small town, children can be free to be kids, I roamed from house to house on horseback as a child.  The pleasures of freedom, no fear, the beauty of life all around me.

As a small town grows... the forest gets a little out of balance, but today in my mind it is being choked.  I see the grand oak tree strangled with Kudzu that doesn't belong, and Wild Rose under brush that is thick with thorns.  

Today I can only feel the visual of walking through the woods.  In search of peace but unable to see the mighty oak for all the vines of Kudzu. As I look down at my feet I find I am stuck in mud, of my own making, from the blood that pours down my pants from all the thorns choking and cutting my pants, legs, and the pain that comes along with it.  How sad and unable to move I find myself in this place that has always been my a place of solitude for me.  How the tears flow today.

I had heard from my elders, how others OUTSIDE the blood/but married to our family had done such horrible things.  My grandfather never fought over anything he was promised.  

Today I find evidence of unfair practices in my family, in the blood that runs through my veins! How has this happened? 

While I am saying this... in all fairness I am somehow in the positive of this situation BUT I have already offered my "share" back to another due to the actions of someone else, due to the wishes of my elders. 

I can not see how my family has finally come to this! How those that have judged so harshly (as I have too ) but do not do the right thing when they are in the positive.  I can only hope my family can do the right thing as I will NEVER be the same!  I will never be at rest with my elders if the right thing is not done.  

I still have to remind myself... I can only control my actions in this world.  I can only control my on chaos!  But as my life depends on the history of my family, the actions of my elders, that voice in my head... Paw Paw telling me what is right, what is wrong, yelling at me for stupid things I do, or want to do, praising me for the good I do.  Helping me be figure how I can do so much with so little, BUT NEVER AT THE EXPERIENCE of someone else.  NEVER! 

Always treat others with respect.  Always treat them the way you want to be treated.  How every action I make is an the example for my sisters, cousins, and those younger than me.   I never wanted to be and example but I was, you are! We are as humans! .  How anything you do bad will come back at you! The simple things that have like the truck window splintered, distorted, and never to be the same.  I will never be the same again.  The actions of another have damaged me beyond visual appearance, beyond pain, beyond the depth of the earth... this scar I will carry forever! 


  1. All the while, keeping the truth. Looking out for number one. It does not make any sense. It does not make sense when others put themselves above the history, legacy and love of others. Doing the right thing often becomes doing the righteous thing. Just because we claim a label does not mean that we wear it with goodness or grace. That the label is actually who we are.

    My head is shaking and yet not surprised at the looking out for "me".

    You are not that, you are different. You are one that lives into their love of others, caring for the needy, feeding the hungry, visiting those who are living in their own prison. You are different. The light that is behind that shattered glass is you, bringing a glimpse of color and goodness into this world.

    I hate that you are so far away...and yet thankful that you do not have to be here to know the reality.

    Know that I love you and am thankful for who you are.

  2. Thank you Amanda... I needed this more than you know. love you too. ps... sooner or later I'll fix all my typo's ha haha...