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Monday, March 11, 2013

It has been a bad relationship.   NOT my marriage!  I LOVE my husband! don't get crazy, just read....

Why do we ignore the signs for something promised?

I had no time for friends.
I had no time for family.
I had no time for myself... devoting everything to make ONE thing work.

My birds are not as socialized... they are not happy, as they crave and NEED attention daily.  They need me and I am responsible for them, mentally not just bare physical needs.
My horses have suffered as I have not been on their backs for almost a year. They are board, upset and want so much more to do. A mental abuse once again.

My relationship with my husband suffered as I had no time to have fun with him, share with him, snuggle on the sofa, You know when you get so tired you can't sleep which made me so tired/ irritable  his snoring moved me out of his bed by 3am each morning...

It wasn't that I didn't believe in what I was trying to do..
It wasn't that I didn't give it all the time I had
It wasn't that I didn't try with all I was...

IT IS that I am older... my brain no longer works like it once did... it is also that I had made these mistakes early in life and the absurdity of how I was allowing a different scenario but the same actions to creep back into my life has just about slapped me in the face.

I am done with abuse!   This was SELF abuse!  I blame no one but ME...

When I was very young it was a man
I am older.  I should have known better.  I should have seen the signs earlier.... and I did; but I didn't want to be called a quitter, much like I never wanted to be married more than once in my lifetime. 

I wanted to believe I could be better.   BUT better by who's definition?  Why did I allow Social Expectations in my life... I have rarely allowed such horrible thoughts, but I did... ? How STUPID!
In the end it came down to a job, money, or ME...

If it is the one thing I treasure all my days, every day as I get my grounding from my ancestors, my elders and my land.   Money is not everything... I have said this all my life, but the pressure of the recession the pressure of wanting things to stay the same, I caved into the abuse money can cause. But I am a girl that can live in any time... any way... as long as it is grounded, dirty, and around animals.  ?  call me crazy! I have no issue with it!  I am what I am, I have always been a square in a world of round holes... ? WHY I tried to conform I have no idea how to express it adequately with the English Language.  In the end... I have to be true to me, my husband, and no one else, and the largest issue... NOTHING else, including money!

So back to my land,
Back to my penny pinching.
Back to my life as I always saw it, but a few less electronics to help cut the bills a little. 
I am fine with a candle and a book, I am not complaining I am merely deciding to go back to my peace, my love of animals and the dirt that all give me grounding.

If this makes me a simpleton in a world of electronics, social standing, and out of the loop.  SO be it! I've never been a popular girl, I've never been the cheerleader, the tennis player, or even a good sports player.

I am only truly happy when life is deep and meaningful for me.  I am a selfish person... thus I choose not to have children understanding this.  I am me and I am going back to me... and I will find a simple job that suites me inside of ME so I cause no more harm to my dear love, my friends, my family or ME! 

Thus this is my two week notice...
Thus I am no longer on the train of promise...
I am back on my horse clogging along at a slower pace seeing life as very few do. 

Some say seeing ditches for what they really are... an overlooked, necessary protector of the road more traveled, littered with glass, plastics, and discarded items from those less aware. 

We each have our ambissions, My ambissions are (and always have been) to be more simple, not more complicated.  My hat is off to those who enjoy their hectic life, their fast choices, and their drive to do more.  It takes ALL of us doing what we are pulled to do to make the world go round!  I am not judging anyone, but I ask the world stop judging me for NOT wanting the same things!

Back to me.
Back to carrying a camera.
Back to dirt under the nails; I will now allow to grow back.
Back to being cold in the winter, hot in the summer, and moving as mother nature ask me to.

MY guides above, my guides of my elders, my guiding voice inside of me and mother earth...
OH back to me...
Oh back to a real life...
The real world...
and ways forgotten by most.

HELLO ME! I LOVE YOU! and now you can love those around you once again.

my love to the world once again... AEGF...

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